Too Heavy To Skydive Reviews: Ted

Well, now that The Dark Knight Rises is ready to run its course and I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay to see Total Recall and the five or six people on the planet who actually have any interest in The Bourne Legacy most likely can’t even read, I’ve had to scratch the bottom of the barrel for films to review, so this week I decided to check out Ted, which came out last month but has been keeping surprising pace in the top five in terms of box office returns. While I initially just chalked Ted‘s box office run up to typical American idiocy (I’m American so I can say it…incidentally, you should hear some of my white people jokes), everyone I’ve talked to has recommended it, though that can be taken with a grain of salt considering that most of the people I talk to I wouldn’t trust with anything sharper than a crayon. So, reluctantly, I checked out Ted in an empty theater on a Wednesday afternoon because being a writer gives me loads of free time to sit around doing nothing and I was pleasantly surprised as to just how ridiculously stupid it was.

^^pretty much my expression throughout the whole movie^^

Ted, directed by Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane is the story of Peter Griffin played by Mark Whalberg who wishes upon a star one morning that his beloved teddy bear would turn real. The bear, Ted (duh), turns into another version of Peter Griffin and the two grow up as close friends, blah de blah de blah. It turns out that Ted and Mark are both immensely immature and in between trying to mend fences with his hot-in-the-right-light girlfriend played by Meg Griffin they get drunk, snort cocaine at parties and hire hookers to poop on the floor of their apartment in what I can only imagine was the most awkward table-reading of any script in the history of Hollywood.

Did no one have the guts to look Seth MacFarlane in the eye and tell him that he needed to chill the fuck out with the marijuana references? The film plays out with the same red-faced “comedy” found in Family Guy and has the same issue where it doesn’t seem to understand the difference between “satire” and “references.” Satire is something that South Park does very well (or at least used to) while Family Guy and inherently Ted thinks that comedy involves as much toilet humor as possible crammed into as little screen time as possible and while this may work for some, if you have an IQ even remotely higher than your age then you’ll most likely find yourself wondering whether or not you can sneak into the nearest screening of The Dark Knight Rises before your brain rots.

Alright, alright, I’m being a little too mean. Ted doesn’t really pretend to be anything more than it is, so I can’t really blame it for being stupid but I can blame it for trying a little too hard to incorporate this cliched bros vs hoes storyline that gets weighed under the stupidity of poop jokes and awkward pauses (seriously, I’ve never heard the word “Uhhh” so many times in one movie before).

There is one moment near the end of the film where Ted is ripped in half by some crazed lunatic who seems to be the only person in the entire universe slightly taken aback by the fact that a teddy bear can somehow land a job at a supermarket and for a moment I was thinking, Well, is this movie actually going to have some balls and try to extract some sort of emotion or–whoops, nevermind, it then goes right back into a predictable ending thus completing its mission to be the most cliched buddy comedy of all time despite starring a CGI teddy bear, which I will admit is a pretty tough feat to pull off.

I’m going to keep this review short mostly because trying to write a concise critique of a film that features an anthropomorphic doll snorting cocaine with Flash Gordon and the guy from Boogie Nights would be like attempting to write a 100-page essay on the philosophical insights of a drunken teenager throwing up in the bathroom so I’ll conclude with this: if you think that Family Guy is the smartest show on television and can’t get through an episode of Frasier without consulting Wikipedia, then you’ll most likely love Ted but if you’re like me and enjoy a fine pipe and the Wall Street Journal while sitting in front of a fire in your bathrobe then you’ll most likely find Ted dumb, inane and worst of all arrogant if it actually thinks the American public will pay to see two hours of jokes more appropriate for stoners sitting around a college apartment on a Saturday night with nothing else to do.

Hold on…wait a second….$200,000,000 domestic gross?

I wonder what the weather’s like in Australia this time of year…

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About Brent

Earned two bachelors degrees in three years so he could qualify to write gibberish about movies on the internet. Prefers to work in the afternoons so he can play Xbox Live all night without having to worry about glare on the screen and sleep in the next day. Often makes fun of nerds yet stood in line at midnight to buy the Star Wars blu-rays. Pretends to text at parties because he's terrible at talking to people.