Too Heavy To Skydive Reviews: Ted

Well, now that The Dark Knight Rises is ready to run its course and I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay to see Total Recall and the five or six people on the planet who actually have any interest in The Bourne Legacy most likely can’t even read, I’ve had to scratch the bottom of the barrel for films to review, so this week I decided to check out Ted, which came out last month but has been keeping surprising pace in the top five in terms of box office returns. While I initially just chalked Ted‘s box office run up to typical American idiocy (I’m American so I can say it…incidentally, you should hear some of my white people jokes), everyone I’ve talked to has recommended it, though that can be taken with a grain of salt considering that most of the people I talk to I wouldn’t trust with anything sharper than a crayon. So, reluctantly, I checked out Ted in an empty theater on a Wednesday afternoon because being a writer gives me loads of free time to sit around doing nothing and I was pleasantly surprised as to just how ridiculously stupid it was.

^^pretty much my expression throughout the whole movie^^

Ted, directed by Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane is the story of Peter Griffin played by Mark Whalberg who wishes upon a star one morning that his beloved teddy bear would turn real. The bear, Ted (duh), turns into another version of Peter Griffin and the two grow up as close friends, blah de blah de blah. It turns out that Ted and Mark are both immensely immature and in between trying to mend fences with his hot-in-the-right-light girlfriend played by Meg Griffin they get drunk, snort cocaine at parties and hire hookers to poop on the floor of their apartment in what I can only imagine was the most awkward table-reading of any script in the history of Hollywood.

Did no one have the guts to look Seth MacFarlane in the eye and tell him that he needed to chill the fuck out with the marijuana references? The film plays out with the same red-faced “comedy” found in Family Guy and has the same issue where it doesn’t seem to understand the difference between “satire” and “references.” Satire is something that South Park does very well (or at least used to) while Family Guy and inherently Ted thinks that comedy involves as much toilet humor as possible crammed into as little screen time as possible and while this may work for some, if you have an IQ even remotely higher than your age then you’ll most likely find yourself wondering whether or not you can sneak into the nearest screening of The Dark Knight Rises before your brain rots.

Alright, alright, I’m being a little too mean. Ted doesn’t really pretend to be anything more than it is, so I can’t really blame it for being stupid but I can blame it for trying a little too hard to incorporate this cliched bros vs hoes storyline that gets weighed under the stupidity of poop jokes and awkward pauses (seriously, I’ve never heard the word “Uhhh” so many times in one movie before).

There is one moment near the end of the film where Ted is ripped in half by some crazed lunatic who seems to be the only person in the entire universe slightly taken aback by the fact that a teddy bear can somehow land a job at a supermarket and for a moment I was thinking, Well, is this movie actually going to have some balls and try to extract some sort of emotion or–whoops, nevermind, it then goes right back into a predictable ending thus completing its mission to be the most cliched buddy comedy of all time despite starring a CGI teddy bear, which I will admit is a pretty tough feat to pull off.

I’m going to keep this review short mostly because trying to write a concise critique of a film that features an anthropomorphic doll snorting cocaine with Flash Gordon and the guy from Boogie Nights would be like attempting to write a 100-page essay on the philosophical insights of a drunken teenager throwing up in the bathroom so I’ll conclude with this: if you think that Family Guy is the smartest show on television and can’t get through an episode of Frasier without consulting Wikipedia, then you’ll most likely love Ted but if you’re like me and enjoy a fine pipe and the Wall Street Journal while sitting in front of a fire in your bathrobe then you’ll most likely find Ted dumb, inane and worst of all arrogant if it actually thinks the American public will pay to see two hours of jokes more appropriate for stoners sitting around a college apartment on a Saturday night with nothing else to do.

Hold on…wait a second….$200,000,000 domestic gross?

I wonder what the weather’s like in Australia this time of year…

This entry was posted in Movies, Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , , , by Brent. Bookmark the permalink.

About Brent

Earned two bachelors degrees in three years so he could qualify to write gibberish about movies on the internet. Prefers to work in the afternoons so he can play Xbox Live all night without having to worry about glare on the screen and sleep in the next day. Often makes fun of nerds yet stood in line at midnight to buy the Star Wars blu-rays. Pretends to text at parties because he's terrible at talking to people.


  1. Third Flower

    My wife and i are now delighted that Albert could perform his reports as a consequence of the tips he had by your web page. It truly is every so often perplexing to simply usually be gifting away methods which a lot of people could have been marketing.…

  2. Souls in the Waves

    Fantastic Morning, I just stopped in to go to your internet site and thought I’d say I liked myself.

  3. Title

    […]below you’ll uncover the link to some sites that we feel it is best to visit[…]

  4. Healing’s Dragon

    to uncover concerns to boost my web page!I suppose its okay to make use of a handful of of the ideas!!

  5. Title

    […]just beneath, are several absolutely not associated websites to ours, nonetheless, they’re surely worth going over[…]

  6. Title

    […]The facts mentioned in the post are several of the top offered […]

  7. Title

    […]below you will uncover the link to some internet sites that we consider you ought to visit[…]

  8. kangen water says:

    The Birch of the Shadow

    I think there may be a number of duplicates, but an exceedingly helpful checklist! I have tweeted this. A lot of thanks for sharing!

  9. Title

    […]Here are some of the internet sites we suggest for our visitors[…]

  10. Thorn of Girl

    Superb information might be uncovered on this net website.

  11. Title

    […]here are some hyperlinks to web sites that we link to because we believe they may be really worth visiting[…]

  12. kangen water says:

    Whispering Misty

    So sorry you can skip the workshop!

  13. Title

    […]Every once in a though we opt for blogs that we read. Listed below would be the newest web-sites that we choose […]

  14. Third Flower

    My spouse and i are actually now delighted that Albert could execute his scientific studies due to the concepts he had as a result of your web content. It is actually now and again perplexing to simply normally be freely giving measures which a number…

  15. The Birch of the Shadow

    I believe there might be considered a few duplicates, but an exceedingly useful checklist! I have tweeted this. Quite a few thanks for sharing!

  16. The Absent Game

    Amongst me and my husband we’ve owned extra MP3 gamers over the years than I can count, including Sansas, iRivers, iPods (traditional & touch), the Ibiza Rhapsody, etc. But, the last few a long time I’ve settled down to one line of players.

  17. Title

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a number of unrelated information, nevertheless actually really worth taking a appear, whoa did one find out about Mid East has got more problerms also […]

  18. Title

    […]check beneath, are some completely unrelated web sites to ours, however, they may be most trustworthy sources that we use[…]

  19. Title

    […]one of our visitors not long ago encouraged the following website[…]

  20. Title

    […]Sites of interest we have a link to[…]

  21. Whispering Misty

    So sorry you will pass up the workshop!

  22. Title

    […]the time to read or visit the content or websites we’ve linked to below the[…]

  23. The Silent Shard

    This tends to almost certainly be really valuable for many of your respective positions I intend to don’t only with my blog but

  24. Third Flower

    My wife and i have already been now delighted that Albert could carry out his scientific studies as a result of the suggestions he had by means of your online page. It is once in a while perplexing to just often be giving away actions which many people…

  25. Title

    […]Every the moment inside a when we pick out blogs that we study. Listed below would be the newest web pages that we decide on […]

  26. Title

    […]The data talked about inside the article are a number of the most effective accessible […]

  27. Title

    […]below you’ll locate the link to some websites that we feel you must visit[…]

  28. Woman of Alien

    Great operate you might have finished, this great site is absolutely neat with superb details. Time is God’s way of maintaining every thing from taking place without delay.

  29. Title

    […]Sites of interest we’ve a link to[…]

  30. Title

    […]although web-sites we backlink to below are considerably not associated to ours, we really feel they’re truly worth a go by, so have a look[…]

  31. Healing’s Dragon

    to discover difficulties to further improve my site!I suppose its okay for making use of a handful of of the concepts!!

  32. The Slave of the Husband

    Trying to get in advance to learning added from you afterward!…

  33. Whispering Misty

    So sorry you can miss the workshop!

  34. Woman of Alien

    Fantastic get the job done you have performed, this great site is basically cool with fantastic data. Time is God’s strategy for holding all the things from occurring without delay.

  35. Blue Coaster says:

    Healing’s Dragon

    to locate troubles to further improve my website!I suppose its alright to help make usage of a number of of the ideas!!

  36. Healing’s Dragon

    to search out troubles to improve my internet site!I suppose its alright to make utilization of some of the concepts!!