If you’re like me, you’ve had enough of celebrities thinking they have the authority to set their children on a life-course of “due east towards Depressionville” by naming their fat, ungrateful little children things like Pilot Inspektor and Snuffaluffagus. I mean these kids are already going to grow up with a sense of entitlement that will inevitably cause them to be ignorant towards the lesser classes, and even if they can rise above the pompousness, it won’t really matter because normal kids will still resent them. So why throw the extra burden on them of having to go through life with a name more fit for a cartoon puppy?
That’s why this week when I saw a headline about an ordinary fellow (if you classify a dude carrying a concealed knife, drug paraphernalia, and drinking in a children’s park ordinary…which I do) with an extraordinary name, I couldn’t resist being intrigued. If you haven’t heard this yet, the thirty-three year old man in question is named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, which oddly seems less ridiculous once you’ve seen his mugshot:
Now when I first saw this story I have to admit my first instinct was to think well, good for the police for arresting an asshole who has spent his life making teachers, judges, and telephone operators stutter their way through a bunch of nonsensical gibberish. While the notion of sitting in a doctor’s office and hearing some pissed-off-already receptionist being forced into an impromptu scat session does make me giggle a bit, I still have to err on the side of “dick move bro”.
The more I sat and thought about this one though the more it started to fascinate me. While most people here will just focus on what a silly name this is, what strikes me is the man himself. See ol’ Bezow here is a truly fascinating case study because the way I see it there are really only two distinct explainations for how he arrived at this place in life.
The first, and most likely scenario here is that Bezow actually sat down and decided upon this ridiculous title. Perhaps he was just a really big fan of jazz, or perhaps around age 18, while doing mushrooms in his friend’s basement he saw an episode of the Cosby Show and a certain string of sounds got stuck in his head which at the time he believed was a message from God and naturally he had no choice but to head down to the courthouse and fill out some paperwork. Either way, this is the identity equivalent of the face tattoo as Bezow has committed to telling the same story to every disgusted person he meets for the rest of his life. Despite the stupidity of this scenario, I almost have to admire the man here as he has not only sacrificed himself in the name of comic relief for people like me, but he has also embraced the true spirit of freedom in America. If Chad Johnson can become Chad Ochocino and Ron Artest can become Meta World Peace, then why can’t Tim Jones become Doo Dippity Ding Dong?
Of course the other possibility in this debacle is that Bezow was actually given this name at birth. Perhaps Bezow was conceived to an Ella Fitzgerald album or maybe his parents heard their newborn mutter his first sounds and said “fuck it, put it on the birth certificate”, but either way in this scenario Bezow stuck with this name for thirty-three years. This to me is a far more interesting scenario as in order to commit to a name like that for your entire adult life, you would either have to be wildly insecure and self-loathing, or, the exact opposite. Maybe this guy was so self-assured and confident that he was willing to proudly display the lunacy of his parents as a badge of honor on his driver’s license. Either way this scenario should serve as a warning to the likes of Gweneth Paltrow and Nicholas Cage.
“I think I’ll name you after Superman…you’ll be fine”
So, whether our buddy Bezow is simply a tortured soul with an unfortunate monnicker, or a quiet genius who happened to wander into the wrong park, I for one want to say thank you for making my weekend my friend. Who knows, maybe there’s even more to this story that we’ll never know, I mean Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop does happen to bear a striking resemblance to another pretty famous thirty-three year old from this little book written a few thousand years ago…I’m just saying.